soldier

this week took some things from me.

i would like them back.

come home soon.

come home safe.

xo.

like james dean, for sure

kiss me hard before you go

summertime sadness

[you can call me baby if you want to]

xo.

what might have been lost (don't bother me)

today hurt me.


that anticipation.
that knotted stomach + shaky fingers.
that vacant stare.
that devastating silence. 
that relief.
that sweet hand held (so tight).
that soft kiss. 
that irritated gesture.
that exhausted goodbye.


today hurt me.


it seems so simple when it isn't happening.




xo.

it's better than yours

sometimes when i laugh really hard i start to cough.
+ sometimes when i cough i choke.
+ sometimes when i choke i will, apparently, throw up my frozen yogurt all down my front in front of the gods + everyone.


my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
like whoa. 


xo.

i never promised you anything

this is your reward:

eat your oranges.

the world owes you nothing.

but it gave you some goddamn good oranges.

xo.

capacity

right now i am supposed to be learning about the vast mysteries of the universe.
intrinsic brightness. spiral arms. terrestrial planets. 
or the secrets hidden in the dips + curves of the earth.
seismic. volcanic. glacial. 


instead, i am here.


i lie on my back + find shapes in the ceiling.
i feel the beat of my breathing
[too shallow, i need to quit smoking]
i listen to this song on repeat.
i imagine the sky the way it seemed when we used to drive out the back.roads
i hear my body rustle amid covers, ear pressed to pillow, everything amplified.


these things are comforting, for now.
tomorrow will bring heavy sighs.


sometimes i become saturated + have no more room
-------->i need to revel in some soft thing + make up stories, or remember stories
[until morning]


tonight your ghost will ask my ghost: where is the love?
tonight your ghost will ask my ghost: who put these bodies between us?




xo.

moth boobs.

tonight i am a butterfly.

or a moth.

either way i am winged.

well, my legs are being wings in any case + i might take off at any moment!

perhaps i will fly to a new time or space!

it will be glorious.

sometimes i fly to a new place via mad men.
but i return quickly because they aren't as nice to girls.
especially girls w/ legs that fly.


+ a moth flew into my sister's boobs. 
i guess they saw the light.


xo.


(written early 2011)

your adventure is showing...

today i was extra brave.
on the rocks.
like good scotch or bourbon or one of those other things my parents drink.
i didn't even have to wear an adventure cap, like this cat.
[although it would have been decidedly 100x more rad]
i mean, obviously the cat doesn't NEED the adventure cap
--------->look at its face!
it is full of special courage that most people only get from alcohol!
but this cat + i. 
oh this cat + I, yes, we don't NEED the adventure caps, but DAMN they are sexy + we look GOOD in them.
yes. we. do.
just take my word for it. 
or just look at that picture.
it says it all.
it great flowing prose.


but i was brave.
you know, brave for me + all.
maybe not in your terms.
but in my world, i did something SCARY + BIG + WONDERFUL + RISKY.
aka: i have finally chosen to start living my life instead of waiting for it to happen
[that was getting really boring + kind of terrifying + i may have been going a little mad]
so off i go on a great + terrible adventure w/ adventure caps + probably cats + most likely at least one dog + a fish + some people as well.
[if i'm really lucky it will also entail a roof over my head + warm blankets]


i am so excited + nervous + full of flutterings!
i've got all my fingers crossed + my eyes scrunched + am wishing on all the stars in the sky.
but mostly i am just going to wake up tomorrow + keep DOING the things that will get me where i want to go.


xo.

beating.beating.beating

trebuchet.
that's what this font is called.
it's obviously a brutal + siege.worthy font.
beware: it may sling a few heavy metaphors or, gods forbid, puns.
maybe not. 
who knows.


in this instance i am god + god is feeling a little ambiguous.
or not really, but god is not supposed to have those big emotions.
right?
that's what they told me.
but they told me a lot of bullshit.


do gods have emotions?
one would assume as much.
if i am in such a form, as is speculated, then i would assume they have some kind of feeling.


do they feel anything?
do they feel their heart beating?
do they feel me loving?
do they feel that gaze?


but if i am a god + i hold the power over my little kingdom of words + emotions.....
i want to say: 
i am going to keep loving you all the way that i do.
i don't really care if you want it or return it.


xo.