soldier

this week took some things from me.

i would like them back.

come home soon.

come home safe.

xo.

like james dean, for sure

kiss me hard before you go

summertime sadness

[you can call me baby if you want to]

xo.

what might have been lost (don't bother me)

today hurt me.


that anticipation.
that knotted stomach + shaky fingers.
that vacant stare.
that devastating silence. 
that relief.
that sweet hand held (so tight).
that soft kiss. 
that irritated gesture.
that exhausted goodbye.


today hurt me.


it seems so simple when it isn't happening.




xo.

it's better than yours

sometimes when i laugh really hard i start to cough.
+ sometimes when i cough i choke.
+ sometimes when i choke i will, apparently, throw up my frozen yogurt all down my front in front of the gods + everyone.


my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard.
like whoa. 


xo.

i never promised you anything

this is your reward:

eat your oranges.

the world owes you nothing.

but it gave you some goddamn good oranges.

xo.

capacity

right now i am supposed to be learning about the vast mysteries of the universe.
intrinsic brightness. spiral arms. terrestrial planets. 
or the secrets hidden in the dips + curves of the earth.
seismic. volcanic. glacial. 


instead, i am here.


i lie on my back + find shapes in the ceiling.
i feel the beat of my breathing
[too shallow, i need to quit smoking]
i listen to this song on repeat.
i imagine the sky the way it seemed when we used to drive out the back.roads
i hear my body rustle amid covers, ear pressed to pillow, everything amplified.


these things are comforting, for now.
tomorrow will bring heavy sighs.


sometimes i become saturated + have no more room
-------->i need to revel in some soft thing + make up stories, or remember stories
[until morning]


tonight your ghost will ask my ghost: where is the love?
tonight your ghost will ask my ghost: who put these bodies between us?




xo.

moth boobs.

tonight i am a butterfly.

or a moth.

either way i am winged.

well, my legs are being wings in any case + i might take off at any moment!

perhaps i will fly to a new time or space!

it will be glorious.

sometimes i fly to a new place via mad men.
but i return quickly because they aren't as nice to girls.
especially girls w/ legs that fly.


+ a moth flew into my sister's boobs. 
i guess they saw the light.


xo.


(written early 2011)